It sure seems as though this year of 2020 finds us drowning in our own history of silence. While people of all walks of life and all colours of skin are pouring their hearts out and screaming for change, there will always remain so much pain in, and underlying, all those years of silence.
Across the street from me lives a beautiful black woman. She is a mixed woman, whose mother was white. She has suffered her entire life, from the moment she came in to this world, with racial stigmatism and inequality. She mentioned to me the other day that she was going to start a support group for the local youth needing guidance and belonging and a safe place to speak, because she never had that growing up. Our discussion had me thinking about how every little contribution matters so very much. How every time someone puts up their hand and shares their vulnerability, their truth, shares their story and their pain, that that is how we turn hatred and hurt into something powerful.
I have been asked many times what pulled me to start a new career in my 30s. I give Cancer a lot of credit, but although it may have been my trigger (or the big ass shove I needed 😉), the real reason, the reason of truth, is that I have always known right down to my core that my calling was to be the voice for eating disorder recovery that I didn’t have when I was in the thick of it.
That conversation with my neighbour got me thinking this:
We all suffer the same things:
pain, grief, shame, guilt, despair, silence.
Our struggles may be different.
Our pain is the same.
This kind of thinking had me wondering how to offer more safe ways for voices amongst those who suffer with Eating Disorders. And not just those working through the dysfunction, but for parents and siblings, for friends, teachers, coaches, and mentors.
It’s a big, scary topic, I know, but we have to start somewhere and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, well, this is where the change, that magical shift, happens.
So I wanted to share a few things that I’ve learned along my own journey to recovery, that may resonate and give more voice to those struggling or to those that are supporting & trying to understand:
1 - Feelings are never wrong.
2 - The pain is very real.
3 - The story in your head can become your truth if you let it.
4 - Recovery is a lifelong journey.
5 - Speaking out is so so very important.
a journey to Recovery
Feelings are never wrong: If you are a parent, you have probably thought about this idea with regards to your children. If your child expresses to you frustration or fear or pain, likely you try to listen and acknowledge and allow them to be in the feeling so that they can feel safe with that feeling. If we wrong a feeling by saying: “there’s no reason to be afraid”, or “stop crying right now”, or “you’re not even hurt”, the messaging that we send to the child is that their feelings are wrong or insignificant or untrue. The same lesson can be applied to feelings with regards to an ED. Often what we hear is: “I’m not enough”, or “I am a failure”, or “I am fat/out-of-shape/frumpy etc.”, where these may be ungrounded beliefs or negative thoughts, the feelings are very real and need to be acknowledge: fear, shame, guilt, loss, pain.
The pain is very real: For those who have never experienced disordered eating or body image distortion, they may never truly understand the associated pain and that's ok. But something that is important to consider, when attempting to support someone who is in the throws or trying to recover, is that the pain accompanying eating disorders is very (insert swear word here) real. The pain of carrying around something that is terribly weighing and shattering to the body and the self, being aware of the problem but not knowing or being ready to make change, is very painful - you can take my word for it.
The story in your head can become your truth if you let it: If you are recovering or looking to recover, recognizing the difference between the voice of the ED and YOUR voice is paramount to stepping across the starting line. If we listen to the stories that we create in our heads without any pragmatism, we can begin to believe that those stories are our actual truth. This is a very dangerous road to go down. Begin the process of distinguishing between your truth and the ED stories, identifying one and the other, journalling about them, reflecting upon them, this can help you to find clarity, give more credibility to YOUR voice, and motivate you towards recovery.
Recovery is a lifelong journey: Listen, no one ever recovers from anything deeply painful and traumatic fast. Humans are just not designed that way. Be careful not to put too much pressure on yourself or your loved one to recover quickly, it just isn’t realistic nor conducive to long-term recovery. Even after you have made it through many years of recovery, EDs will rear their ugly heads at the most fragile of times. That’s ok. The ED is part of your journey, your story, and if you find yourself triggered, even decades later, you can simply acknowledge the feelings, allow them their truth, and then lift your chin and move forward knowing that that is not who you are anymore.
Speaking out is so so very important: Comparable to what is happening throughout the world right now with regards to racial equality, silence is deadly. If you do not share your voice, your story, your struggle, your success, then you are eliminating the chance that someone, somewhere out there, will hear you, and that is not what the world needs. The world needs voices and stories, truth telling and vulnerability. Be a part of the shift, speak out so others can know that they are not alone, that we all belong, that we all matter, that we are all loved. Help make that change happen.
As a last word, let me say this: It isn’t easy, still now, maybe never, for me to talk about my own journey with an Eating Disorder. I force myself to speak because I know how important it is for others to hear my voice. I know how important it is to be vulnerable and uncomfortable in order to tip those scales and force change to take place.